And now a word from our new sponsor: Bludiamonds

A big, big “thank you” to Da Horsey for allowing me this opportunity to $tate my ca$e on behalf of my Counte$$, with regard to the FBI probe Counte$$ initiated that I maintain will still come to ensnare Mayor Zimmer. Da Horsey and I have disagreed on many occasions… On most occasions, actually… All right, all right, we have disagreed on ALL occasions, because it is in fact my job to counter$pin anything he says and project my own not-for-friendship arrangement onto him by alleging he is paid by Zimmer. Our disagreements even led, in one occasion, to outright fisticuffs, but while I still maintain it was Roman who punched and shoved himself and then took MY camera away, I appreciate his willingness to let bygones be bygones and offer me some cyber-real estate to pre$ent my $pin. As I have been known to quote from Voltaire, “I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.”

As a matter of fact, before I begin, I’d like to offer up a few other quote$ from Voltaire, such as:
“Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.”

“Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.”

“When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.”

“Tyrants have always some slight shade of virtue; they support the laws before destroying them.”

“To the wicked, everything serves as pretext.”

“We have a natural right to make use of our pens as of our tongue, at our peril, risk and hazard.”

The FBI investigation of the Hoboken Data Theft Ring is now full bore.  Last April  before the FBI swooped in, Beth Mason launched her own email investigation.  Atop her list: the Mayor’s staff and Kurt Gardiner at The Hoboken Journal, Nancy Pincus of Grafix Avenger and of course MSV.    Meanwhile sensitive City of Hoboken information from the Mayor’s office was being systematically copied and finding its way to Hoboken411, Beth Mason’s favored source for running her political operations where iron fisted censorship by Perry Klaussen is the fascist norm. 
And on that $ilver-tongued opening, I wish to $ay that the unfortunate, devastating events of yesterday should come as no surprise to anyone. After all, it was I, the Dapper Douche, Lame Ba-job-seeker, who revealed to all of you a full SIX months ago that the FBI were investigating an IT scandal in Hoboken and that members of the Zimmer administration would be taken away in handcuffs (and shackles).
As far back as June 16, Pigsty Perry and I posted on our preferred news outlet, still the #1 source for news we could use you to use by the way, if people would come back and start believing our $pin again and commenting and all that good stuff, that “Council President Beth Mason contacted the FBI agents on the case who had a different view than Zimmer’s party line… Here’s Mason’s statement in it’s entirety:
“Last week I asked Mr. Tabakin for the phone number for the FBI Agent who is in charge of the on going investigation into certain activities in City Hall.”

$ee? $ee? It was the Counte$$ who called the FBI. After Zimmer. After. Like, she called the city attorney and got the phone number of THE VERY AGENT who was (already) investigating the Hoboken e-mail scandal, and she called him. And told him he ought to come investigate. In Hoboken. Pertaining to an e-mail scandal. This is a brilliant $trategy. It’s like, if you break into someone’s house and get caught, and they say they’re calling the cops, what better way to throw them off their game than to $ay, “Oh YEAH??? Well I’ll do you one better – I’M calling the cops!”
$ee? Brialliant.
Next you have the i$$ue of the evil interlopers, Dan Bryan and Juan Melli. $ee, they have committed a ¢ardinal (no pun intended, honey) $in of occupying what is rightfully MINE MINE MINE, namely, the unsworn City Hall communications positions I was SURE to get under Counte$$ and then under my second-favorite mayor of all time, after good old Anthony Russo (watch for my revisionist biography, coming $oon on my offshoot retail $, my good friend Peter Cammarano!
The evil interlopers must be brought down so  I can get that Ba-job I’ve been Ba-job-seeking all these years, and to do that I had to go through their e-mails. I’m not going to get into how I did that, but $uffice it to $ay, I think you know the rest of the $tory. Once I found a few e-mails that I knew I’d be able to ma$terfully take out of context, $pin, $en$ationalize and lie just enough to avoid going over “the line” (I learned all about “the line” at Bloomberg, where I will not be missed. Haven’t dealt with it so much at 1010LOSES, where I basically $erve coffee and read the nightly traffic report in that angry, insinuating tone you’ve come to know and love), I just needed the ¢ounte$$ to work her screechy old OPRA magic, and POOF! Everything would fall into place. I’d be able to convince the FBI to arrest Zimmer simply on the basis of my eloquence and mesmerizing speaking voice which I’d use to convince them that, well she’s just plain BAD; ¢ounte$$ would be elected Mayor, Bryan and Melli would be out, Ba-job-seeker would be in, and all would be right with the world. And I’d be hailed as a hero for exposing the $candal, Pentagon Papers analogy and all.  We did it! 
Except it didn’t work out that way. I had the $trategy all mapped out on my easel, and somehow things have gone awry. Instead of arresting Zimmer, the bigoted FBI agents arrested my helpful friend because of all the vowels in his name. And do you want to know why? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY????
CYBER BULLIES!!! It’s because of CYBER BULLIES!!! Cyber bullies muddied the water, confused the issue, changed the subject from topics they don’t want to be talking about, smeared people they don’t agree with, and just went into the mode of relentless attack attack attack. And the FBI just got confused and drafted an erroneous criminal complaint that makes Zimmer look like a hero and Counte$$ look, well, even I have to admit, a little shady. At best. Just a little.
So here’$ the bottom line:  The FBI got confused by cyber bullies, arrested the wrong person instead of Zimmer, and will eventually come to their senses and find the REAL killer (just like O.J.). It’s all the fault of Zimmer’s paid brigade of cyber bullies. And Lenz. It’s definitely Lenz’s fault. Lenz Lenz Lenz. bzzzt… Lenz Lenz Lenz… whirrr… Lenz…

In the meantime, I’m advising the Counte$$ to do what she does best:  Seek more information. She needs more information. More more more. She needs to know the identities of the unnamed city officials implicated in the complaint (because she doesn’t already, I swear I swear I swear). Please give her some more information. The Counte$$ demands it. The Counte$$ doth protest too much, but she demands it. She DEMANDS the FBI cooperate with her IN FULL. It was she who called them, after all, in the first place. Oh, all right, in the second place. I saw you about to post that comment correcting me. Cyber bully!
“All styles are good except the tiresome kind.”

— Voltaire    

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Original Data Theft Ring graphic courtesy of Grafix Avenger

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