Guest of the Stable bludiamonds submits for your consideration:
Good day my friends! Tis I, the bluest of diamonds, at your service! Yes, I realize I’ve been out of the public eye for a while, but rest assured, I’ve been keeping my blu behind just as busy as can be. As you know, there is a mayoral election this year, and I’ve been doing everything in my power to get my one true Counte$$ to dust off the ol’ street-cash suitcase yet again and prove to the people of Hoboken once and for all that just like King Arthur, she is the once and future Counte$$ for all to behold! Alas, I have had no luck in my endeavors. Apparently Counte$$ is actually a little tapped out right now after bankrolling a slew of failed election campaigns (she was never a big Steve Fulop fan anyway – the schmuck got himself attacked with that Jewish-hooknose ad Healy ran with Counte$$’s money because, unlike Counte$$, Fulop never had the good sense to don a cross and an Italian surname in certain circles and not be so darned Jewish all the time).
Timmay wants to be Hobroken mayor. “I’m accomplished you know.”
Anyway, she’s been funding election travesties and dead-end lawsuits galore, and she just couldn’t bear to get shot in the face Giffords-style by the Hoboken public again, so she’s sitting this one out. But am I Cryan in my dapperness? NO! Why? Because Timmay has come to the rescue! That’s right, friends, in a bold and brazen bit of repartee with NOT-Assemblyman Bhalla, Occupy Occupentay declared he’d “love to” run for mayor! What a generous offer. Clearly, Timmay recognizes that Booben Lamo just ain’t gonna cut it carrying the torch for the crime-family syndicate. Why, you could learn that just by watching the Weather Channel!
So, let’s take a moment and assess the strengths of a Timmay candidacy and offer the boy a bit of encouragement, shall we?
1) Increased Voter “Participation” – Let’s face it, Counte$$ and Plumpie do not like Booben Lamo. If Timmay signs his puppet strings over to them for the full four years, they’ll give him all the $treet money he could ever dream of. That means absentee ballots galore! Hey Matt, put down the baconburger and turn off the WWE Stalker Cam, we’re getting the band back together! The AG’s office never got us last time, why should this be any different? Time to get Booben’s mom, the Kreim family, Scary Blubbiore, and of course Plumpie and all his Capos to fire up the 40-dollars-and-a-mule operation and get some cash-for-votes goin’ on’. Hey Memo, will you please help keep a lid on things while we figuratively rape your tenants? Of course you will, like a good little gangsta! It’s on!
2) Transparency – Dawn Zimmer and her City Council slate promised us openness and transparency. Too bad for them, in this department they’ve got nothin’ on Timmay! When it comes to pay-to-play and quid-pro-quo, it doesn’t get more transparent than Timmay. Just this month, Timmay voted as a Councilman on a request from a developer that gave him campaign cash and that he went to bat for at the Zoning Board. He got campaign cash from NJ Transit and led their PR push to build in Hoboken, openly telling people they should get to do whatever they wanted. Even Anthony Russo tried playing these things a little coy. Timmay has brought more transparency to Hoboken government than we’ve ever imagined!
3) Public Information – Timmay does a fantastic job of informing the public of his many accomplishments. More importantly, he does an absolutely exceptional job of informing the public of accomplishments that were made in spite of him. Vote against funding for increased senior buses? Timmay takes credit for it when the bus lines get rerouted! Vote against funding for road improvements? Timmay positions himself as the vocal champion of infrastructural needs! Vote against funding for park improvements? Wait til the playgrounds get upgraded, then, TA-DA!!! “Another campaign promise delivered!” This is a tactic that’s very near and dear to Counte$$’s heart – after all, “WE DID IT!!!”
4) Budget Priorities – Timmay does not like to recommend serious budget cuts. After all, any drop in taxes would benefit the dreaded Zimmer! Plus, that’s annoying smart-person stuff, like those know-it-all uptowners who think they’re so smart just because they’ve done really well for themselves by actually developing professional skills beyond answering the help-desk line. Timmay does like to add a few line items though. Especially for himself. Specifically, he wants a PR stipend so he can send you more press releases taking credit for others’ work. C’mon, give him credit for the sheer balls on the guy – elect him now!
5) Hospital – We don’t need no steenkin’ hospital! And Timmay had the foresight to support Counte$$ to try to shut it down. Demerit points for buckling under pressure from those blasted Zimmerists.
6) Garage – Timmay cost the Hoboken taxpayers an extra $4M over the hospital garage debacle. Some might say that’s a strike against him. I say, with government, like anything, you get what you PAY for!
7) Municipal-finance expertise – People with strong financial acumen come and go from city government, but Timmay truly takes the cake. Didjaknow the kid just got his municipal finance degree from Jim Cramer’s University of Phoenix Webinar series? That’s right, Hoboken, no need for surpluses – Timmay learned that by watching Yelling Beard Man on YouTube!
8) Arrogant Petulance – Let’s face it, none of us follow local politics because genteel, honest policy debate is so scintillating. Snooze. We like the bloodsport. What else would we entertain each other with at the cyber-watercooler if not the shocking, over-the-top antics of petulant children fighting for the graft that is rightfully theirs. And when it comes to shock, awe and man-child misbehavior straight out of the Can’t Make This Shit Up Department, no one brings it like Timmay. If you think his infantile rants and unprofessional beratement on the Council dais are as good as it gets, just wait until you see him make weight jokes at the Governor when he can’t get his way. Elect him because he’s just so damn entertaining. You don’t think so? Well, “AGREE TO DISAGREE!!!!!”