Ugh. Cripes, folks, sorry about this… those voices in my
head got extra-loud last night and triggered another one of my “episodes,”
where I slip all the way into one of my multiple personalities and stay there
for a while. This time, I seem to be stuck in the mindset of Sal Mulligan, a
hippie burnout and failed writer who pays his bills and gets his jollies scarfing
down talking-points memos scripted by evil-genius spinmeisters like myself and
regurgitating them, sight-unseen, into Walter Winchell-style gossip-rag
As far as I can remember, Sal started whispering into my ear late
last night as I was getting off my 1010LOSES shift and plotting my next WINNING
strategy over Zimmer, Lenz and of course the evil interlopers Bryan and
Mel-lye. He told me to pass through Bayonne on my way home and have a few shots
of Old Granddad (known as Ol’ Pap-pap in the Mulligan home back in the day),
and the next thing I knew, here I was, stuck in Sal-mode indefinitely, feeling compelled
to pen a “Between the Flashbacks” column for the Hoboken Distorter covering the
e-mail theft and resulting FBI arrest in Hoboken.
Sal had to come up with something to acknowledge this new
development, after having to skirt around it last week to take a little extra
time and mental muscle to wipe the egg off his face after some of the laughable
spin he spewed over the summer. For example:
The Zimmer administration has been criticized for using the
official city website as a political vehicle, most notably reporting on the
video tapes of Councilman Michael Russo, while not mentioning other people
connected with her administration who might also have met with federal
informant Solomon Dwek.
Separation of political from governmental
functions is hugely important in keeping government honest.
What brought down former President Richard
Nixon in the Watergate scandal in the 1970s was that very thing – a misuse of
government for political purposes.
No one really knows if this is the case with
Zimmer, partly because she has slammed shut the door on open government with a
gag order for city employees. Anyone who gives information out risks losing his
or her job and thus, their pension.
The utter secrecy around these emails leads
many to wonder why they are so sensitive that they need to be kept from the
public. Some believe that they will show a pattern of abuse behind the scenes,
not crimes, but political manipulation done on city time at tax payers’
But whatever they contain, the emails harkens
back to Watergate, where the cover-up tended to be worse than the events
For those of you wondering what the heck is going on with
the FBI and the e-mails in Hoboken, there are several theories going around.
The version being put out by people close to
the Zimmer administration is that someone in the information technology office
was leaking information to Zimmer’s political enemies. While some of this may
indeed have been public information, the correct process for obtaining that
information is through the city open public records system. So, according to
that version, Zimmer called in the feds, who seemed to have found enough of
something to continue to sniff around.
This is something akin to killing flies with
demolition ball – more than a littleoverkill.
Album Cover from Emerson, Lake and Palmer’s “Brain Salad Surgery”
So as you might imagine, my split personality, Sal, had some serious work to do spinning his way out of this one. Hence, his arrival in my head last night. Let’s see if I can’t apply a little bit of my genius to help pull his deep-fried brain remnants out of the bottle, shall we?
My goal for this week’s “Between the Flashbacks” column may seem simple, but it’s actually a tall order – dismissively minimize the significance of the crimes that actually occurred, or avoid mentioning them altogether if possible; muddy the waters by refraining from ever referencing the actual arrested culprit, who’s been very good to me and all my salt-of-the-earth Hoboken friends over the years; distance the crime from any political faction and make it seem like some random, apolitical occurrence being blown out of proportion by a paranoid, desperate Zimmer administration; make Zimmer seem a little dirty herself, and possibly even deserving of an ends-justify-the-means criminal conspiracy to expose the much more odious corruption within; and, most importantly, shift the focus of scrutiny away from my unnamed friend and any politicos associated with his actions, and over to none other than that favorite bugaboo of BOTH my split personalities, Lame Ba-job-seeker AND Sal Mulligan – PRO-ZIMMER BLOGGERS!!! I WILL SPIN THIS INTO A BLOGGER CONSPIRACY!!!
Just you watch. In my column this week, I will proceed to cover the FBI arrest and e-mail theft with zero mentions of the term “FBI” (“federal authorities” just sounds less ominous, don’t you think?), zero mentions of the arrested individual, and a whopping NINE mentions of “pro-Zimmer Bloggers.” I will euphemistically describe the crime as “allegedly obtaining city communications meant for Mayor Dawn Zimmer” instead of “stealing the Mayor’s e-mails and distributing them to her adversaries,” which is what it is. I know all that sounds like a tall order, but watch and learn, my friend. I’ve got a hot pot of mushroom tea on the stove, a 10-pack of “5-Hour Energy” pills, a few lines of crank, and my black light and lava lamp glowing over my Pink Floyd wall-size poster. Let’s boogie:
When alleged federal authorities allegedly charged an alleged Hoboken official with allegedly obtaining city communications meant for alleged Mayor Dawn Zimmer, alleged federal authorities gave alleged Hoboken bloggers an early alleged gift for the holiday allegedly known as Christmas: three unnamed co-conspirators.
Zimmer bloggers are the problem causing distress. It outta be a Federal crime.
Despite heavy hints alleged federal put into the alleged indictment that these three alleged people are different from the people whom the pro-Zimmer bloggers have been crucifying for months, the bloggers have had a field day putting their own names in the blank spaces. I will refrain from any mention of the actual arrestee since he was such a good friend to so many anti-Zimmer scribes seeking inside information to use in our attacks.
Many of the most prominent bloggers have blatantly and unfairly accused Councilman Michael Russo (who’s been unfairly accused of many things, none of which were ever caught on tape by the FBI or anything scary like that, and if they were, the tapes were not supposed to be released, and it’s the Zimmer administration’s fault for putting the information out there, the hypocrites!), Councilwoman Beth Mason (who wouldn’t know anything about any e-mails she asked for and certainly doesn’t have to answer any questions about whether she’d already seen them), and political activist (and unfairly maligned Mason friend) Lame Ba-job-seeker of being connected with the scandal.
Apparently, some city officials grew concerned when information contained in their e-mails began to appear on what is seen as an anti-Zimmer website. An alleged website. It is seen as an alleged website. This is a highly speculative allegation however. The fact that this website published images of Mayor Zimmer as a chimpanzee and dubbed her the Jewish Mayor who stole Christmas is only circumstantial evidence among those who “see it as anti-Zimmer,” which is, namely, everyone.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was the leakage of confidential and sensitive SWAT-settlement details. The fact that the administration was asking council members to vote on the settlement without public input is not a surprise, since the Zimmer administration does many things in this manner. This manner being, a manner that is legal and above-board. This is not how things are supposed to be done in Hoboken. When my good friend Anthony Russo was in charge, they cut legal corners left and right, all in the name of the great On the Waterfront tradition that makes this a strong blue-collar community and not another yuppie outpost for elitist snobs who want crazy things like value for their tax money (like my special arrested friend liked to say, LoveYourTaxMoney!) and all this following-the-letter-of-the-law claptrap.
Three unnamed figures, however, are not the enemies whom the pro-Zimmer bloggers want.
The spread of confidential e-mails appears to have been done for political purposes, not for monetary gain (ok, ok, this remains entirely to be seen and I have no real knowledge of it whatsoever), giving that much for pro-Zimmer bloggers (obsessed much?) to chew on.
Allegedly, the alleged information was allegedly being spread in order to allegedly undermine the alleged political standing of the alleged Zimmer administration, but not by those whom the bloggers have been slamming. Again, this is pure conjecture on my part, but hey, it fits our narrative and that’s all that matters, right? Give the man a hand, it’s getting late and I’m on my third packet of 5-Hour-Alert.
Mason, of course, has been persistent in trying to obtain e-mails from the city (as opposed to through other channels, which she would never, ever dream of, so I had to throw that “from the city” clause in there to eave no room for ambiguity) that would tie some of the pro-Zimmer bloggers to public officials in the Zimmer administration, hoping to find a record of Zimmer aides (whose jobs are of course coveted by no one I know) bashing political opponents through the city’s official channels. She was hoping to determine if the aides were politicking on city time, perhaps releasing information to pro-Zimmer bloggers (NINTH MENTION—and you doubted me! Geez, Horsey, you and GA really have gotten under my skin!) in order to get a positive spin on stories before less biased press (like MEEEEEE, I am less biased, I have only hung out with Mikey Russo and his operatives a dozen times this week) reported on them.
Zimmer bloggers are famous for their evil. Here’s the evidence in song.
Sometimes labeled “Zimmergate” (by no one at all, ever. It was coined by me, just now.), the withholding of the e-mails seems more problematic (to me and my talking-points-memo operative scribes, if no one else) than what anyone might find when they actually read them (which, of course, as we’ve already established, no one associated with the email-releasing resolution ever has, ever).
The mayor allegedly known as Zimmer is nowhere nearly as allegedly political as those who allegedly oppose her, but the lack of transparency in her alleged administration and her clear distrust of the press leaves people to question what goes on behind the alleged scenes.
So there you have it, folks! Nine mentions of bloggers, zero mentions of the actual arrested official or the seriousness of the crime and potential conspiracy, thoroughly baseless cover for my friends on the city council who all evidence would suggest are very much involved in some capacity, plenty of softball language surrounding what actually happened, and a big cloud of doubt cast over Zimmer for her own role in the conspiracy and crimes against her. That’s what’s “sometimes labeled” as blaming the victim. It works. I know a lot of shifty defense attorneys who’ve made a career of saying, “But Your Honor, sure my client’s a rapist, but what was she doing walking down a city street in a short skirt like that?” It works more than you think. It was actually I who devised the infamous Colin Ferguson defense that he was accused of 93 counts of murder only because it was the year 1993. No wonder I make the medium bucks! So that’s the bone I threw my good buddy and Mikey Russo and chief patroness Beth Mason. Not bad for a hard day’s work, especially with a hangover. Now, anybody seen my bong and my copy of Marx & Engels?