Bet and the G-Man
The following is a waterlogged conversation obtained by Da Horsey between Bet Mazin our heroine with a terminal case of serious second floor City Hall chair envy and a Newark G-man. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Bet: Well I’ve devised a master plan to convince everyone of my innocence.
Mikie Squared: How so?
Bet: I’m going to make friends with those G-men in Newark and get all the documents and the emails they took. They can’t take those, we stole them from City Hall fair and square.
Mikie Squared: Mi familia says dat ain’t a guud idea. When you smell them, it’s bedder to run in dee odder direcshin.
Bet: No, you’ll see it’s all going to work out. I’ve cleared it with FinBoy and he said it’s brilliant. And Flame Boyjoblie, bless his hate filled soul, says it’s the best idea I’ve had since Dual Cob Dawn.
Mikie Squared: Good luck with that. Latuh. Gotta go to the Association, and pick up the donuts.
Five minutes later a phone call is placed from the Masonic Temple of Doom.
Bet: Hello, I’d like to speak to one of your duty clerks, I wish to place an order.
Operator: I’m sorry ma’m I think you have the wrong number. This is the FBI.
Bet: Oh yes, can I speak to someone in charge? I’m a big poo-bah from Hoboken.
Operator: A what?
Bet: You know a muckety-muck in Hoboken government. I’m like Deputy Mayor. It’s just temporary.
Operator: What’s your name ma’m?
Bet: Councilwoman Bet Mazin.
Operator: Please hold.
Bet: Okay, but don’t keep me waiting.
Operator: Ma’m I’ll be back shortly.
Bet: Excuzzzzzzzzz meeeeeee?
Operator: Huh? Just give me a minute, someone will be right with you.
Bet: Are you saying it will take you my time to fix your problem?
Operator: What problem ma’m?
Bet: I want all the emails from John Paramecium and Samuel Compliant. They’ve been very naughty and I think they’ve made jokes about me.
Operator: I don’t know what you’re talking about but we’ll have someone help you, please hold.
Bet: Oh the inconvenience of it all. Well be quick about it.
Operator: Hold, thank you.
Newark Agent: What can I do for you ma’m?
Bet: When can I send someone to get the emails?
Newark Agent: Emails?
Bet: Yes, you came to Hoboken City Hall and took our emails and documents. You need to give those to me.
Newark Agent: Ms. Mazin, those emails are part of a wider criminal investigation.
Bet: Yes, but I have some very important research to do on those emails.
Newark Agent: Like what?
Bet: Well my employee Flame is awaiting them and is going to cross reference them with all of the ones he has.
Newark Agent: Cross reference?
Bet: Cross reference? I meant Cross Dress. We’re doing a Mikie Squared Horror Confetti Show. We need lots of paper, preferably from the second floor at City Hall. I forget exactly what he’s doing. I’ll have to call him but he’s busy right now working on my 2013 Mayor and NJ Senate inauguration speech.
Newark Agent: Your what? Ms. Mason, do you have something to tell us?
Bet: Like what? I just told you. Hand over the emails. I want the Hoboken emails returned.
Newark Agent: Ms. Mazin, we are reviewing these in a criminal investigation.
Bet: C’mon stop being difficult. Like my colleague Councilman Marshmello says, “chop, chop.” And make it snappy.
Newark Agent: Would you like to come down and get some of these documents after we are done with them?
Bet: Well how long are you going to make me wait?
Newark Agent: Not too long. We just need to watermark the documents.
Newark Agent: So it’s clearly stamped from our office.
Bet: Look I don’t want anything on them. Don’t mess them up. I want Flame to slightly edit them and and then upload to Mason411.
Newark Agent: That’s different. Maybe you can come down and we can talk more about this. We have some people that are just dying to accommodate you.
Bet: Oh of course. Let me look at my calendar. Well I’m pretty free in July.
Newark Agent: Why don’t you come down and bring your associates with you.
Bet: Will you be able to accommodate all of us? Hmm, there’s me and Flame and Jelly and Osker the dog.
Newark Agent: I assure you ma’m, we’ll have separate rooms for each of you.
Bet: Well that sounds more fitting. Just make sure mine’s the nicest.
Newark Agent: Come on down then.
Bet: This is so exciting. I’ve never been to Newark. Is it very dangerous? I love excitement and danger.
Newark Agent: Not at all, we have a very secure facility for special guests like yourself.
Bet: Oh lovely. Okay, let me see when my driver can take me. I want all of those emails. The Hoboken people deserve to see me get all the emails.
Newark Agent: We’ll have everything ready for you when you get here.
Bet: Okay, sounds wonderful.
Newark Agent: Can’t wait.
Related: For those who didn’t see the original movie: Downfall of a Wannabe Shark: